The Aashmani Code

This is the list of rules that my guide was given before he took me on my expedition.

-To be a guide you have to know all other guides and shop owners
-The simplest things have to be mentioned: "it's windy" or "it's' cold" or "it's steep".
-You have to speak good English
-But only  understand it when it suits you, simple phrases like "please zip up the tent" or "can you carry this for me please?" must be ignored at all times.
-Wear thick gloves 24/7 even when it is 25 degrees C outside.
Advertise 'short breaks' as a time for the client to recover but they are actually a time for a cigarette, a minimum of 5 a day is standard protocol.
-Never, under any circumstances may you encourage or praise the client. If they are going slow, ask if their feet or knees hurt to show you care, don't offer to carry anything.
-If the client is very slow just walk off and wai up ahead and have a long 'short break' whilst they catch up and then go on as soon as they arrive.
-Never initiate conversations with the client, that is their job.
-Take no intrest in their lives, just their money.
-Speak about the client frequently in front of them to other guides in Nepali so they don't understand but say their name frequently so they know that you're talking about them.
-Say that you don't play cards then engage in a game with other Nepalis later the same day and then continue to refuse to play with the client. If nessecairy pretend you can't understand them.
-Never learn proper ice axe technique, simple things like walking with one and ice axe arrest should be ignored if ever taught.
-Say that the mountain that you are climbing is easy because if no mishaps happen you look goog, if there is an accident blame the kit not yourself.
-If you are roped to a client and you should fall, pulling them off the ice and down, should they save you, Do Not Thank Them, instead look at your own axe and ask why it didn't work.
-After said incident, over the next few days you should keep telling the client how lucky you both were, still refusing to show any gratitude.
-In extreme circumstances where the fall  wouldv'e resulted in death act like you're angry with the customer for saving you or that it was their fault for the fall.